Let’s face it: dating is hard. And honestly, it doesn’t matter what you do to make it easier. Sometimes, there is no getting around the awkward good night kisses-gone-wrong or the date who spends the entire meal checking his social or, even worse, snapping pictures of everything your date has ordered off the menu.
You can use tips from the “experts,” use the latest apps, filter your photos to death to attract quality candidates, and yet, somehow, dating just doesn’t seem to get any easier.
So, why is dating so hard and what can you do about it?
To start, dating is so hard for two main reasons: we have so many choices and too many of us are looking for perfection. The choice issue is tied directly to the increase in technology use. Think about it: how many times have you opened a dating app, like Tinder, and swiped right only to keep looking because “someone better might come along?”
By the end of your Tinder binge, you are five matches deep and wondering who to chat up first. It’s one of the most challenging aspects of dating in the information age, to be honest. Especially as a millennial because it seems like everyone dates this way. You have so many choices of people to date and, like trying to choose between donuts at your local bakery, you’re likely to leave empty-handed or try to buy them all. The middle is no man’s land.
The other reason dating is so hard is that most of us are looking for perfection. We’ve been told so many times not to settle and in the quest to avoid doing that, we are actually writing off some really great potential dating options.
Settling is not the same as accommodating someone’s idiosyncrasies while you’re dating. The truth is that settling for someone who treats you terrible or doesn’t handle rejection well is a raw deal; dealing with a date who has a penchant for singing in the shower, but is polite and treats their mother well is not.
So what you can do about it? Here are a few tips: • Get outside your comfort zone. Date different types of people and really open your mind to the possibilities. You might discover aspects of yourself you never even realized existed.• Don’t let distance get in the way. If you meet someone amazing who is located clear across the country, don’t immediately write off the possibility of a long-distance relationship. • Manage your expectations. The truth is, dating is hard, but it can also be fun. So, let it be. Try new things with your dates, explore various elements of your personality and understand that sometimes, dating means that a few dates are just that – a good time with someone you kind of mesh with, but not necessarily someone for the long haul.
Last but not least. Examine how you are showing up to the dating scene. Are you acting with integrity, or treating others like disposable and forgettable avatars? It is easy to develop a callous when it comes to dating. The repeated disappointments and hurts can leave even the kindest of souls a little prickly. But do your best to remember that if you carry forward the wounds of the past, you can expect to find similar pains in the future. Do your inner work, so you can show up with healthy expectations, firm but flexible boundaries, and enough faith in yourself to know when to pull the ripcord and when to lean in.
Dr. Kate Balestrieri is a Licensed Psychologist, Certified Sex Therapist, Certified Sex Addiction Therapist, and PACT Couples’ Therapist. She founded Modern Intimacy, and practices in CA, FL, and IL.
